Pink Prozac - a luscious cocktail

Faced my mortality, Still an Atheist

Being diagnosed with cancer at thirty-one years old was a crazy experience. I call it crazy because so many things happen to you. Along with the physical: surgery, chemo, radiation, hairloss. There are so many mental challenges to overcome. In my case, I handled the physical much better than the mental.

I understand the five stages of grief now. (denial, anger, bargaining, depression,& acceptance). I guess I just thought this was something written in a book that really didn't apply to real life. How can everyone go through the same stages? Everyone is different right?

Also, no one died for me to be grieving so why would those steps apply to me? But someone did die the day I was told I had cancer. That person was the 'old me'. I am now a 'new or different me'.

I was grieving. I just didn't know it at the time.

Denial: I think this stage didn't last very long. I was only in a bit of denial the night before I got the news. This can't be happening. nah. I'm only 31! But I am a realistic person so I had a hard time denying with the evidence, even though no actual proof was given to me yet.

Anger: Anger too was there but not so strong that I was asking Why Me? I know that cancer can happen to anyone at any age. I was more like "I just want to be a normal girl"!! This fucking sucks balls!!

Bargaining: There was not much bargaining, so I guess I can say I almost skipped this step. I felt completely alone. Who was I to bargain with? I didn't all of a sudden start to pray and believe in a higher power. I might have said to myself. Ok, self, if you get through this you will stop smoking, drinking and treat your body better. So, maybe I did bargain with myself a bit.

Depression: Well, I didn't have a problem with this stage. It lasted a long time. I was 'crawl up in the bed and lay in a fetal position' depressed for a good while. I woke up every morning with a pit in my stomach and I really did wonder If I would ever be happy again. The fear of recurrence of the cancer had such a hold on me.

Acceptance: This is a nice place to be. I finally got there, never knowing I could or would. I have accepted the fact that the cancer can return but I don't wake up with a pit in my stomach anymore. I know that I will die someday, maybe sooner than later. I will enjoy my life and not spend it worrying. I don't know how I got to this place in my mind. Its wonderful.

Everyone has heard the saying "There are no atheists in foxholes".

yes, indeed there are.

I'm Too Sexy for my Hair

Lori was diagnosed with cancer, like me, on her birthday. I found her webpage called I'm Too Sexy For My Hair back in 2005 and read it frequently.

I read that Lori passed away at the end of October, she was only 31. Lori had cancer of the Unknown Primary. I wrote a post at www.cancerblog.com on cancer of the Unknown Primary back in July 2006 and mentioned Lori's blog.

One of the funniest things I read on her blog is that she called her cancer ad-duh-no-carcinoma! ( technical  name...adenocarcinoma of the unknown primary).

Starting on Lori's birthday her husband Cary decided to keep her memory and blog alive by embarking on 365 Days: The Lori Miller Memorial Project.

I look forward to reading more about Lori.

I haven't been blogging a lot. Just haven't been in the mood I guess.

Just been playing chess with my husband (ok, we both stink), drinking red wine and listening to lots of Tom Petty.

life is good.

Hopes and dreams are just an illusion, all we have is the present

  A post I did today on The Cancer Blog

After reading Melanoma claimed the life of Sarah posted by Jackie on The Cancer Blog, I started to read Sarah's blog in depth. I came across something that Sarah said -- "Hopes and dreams are just an illusion, all we have is the present".

Sarah explained what she found this saying to mean to her:

"Everything we hope for, every dream or goal, that vision in our heads of how we think and therefore expect our life will be (give or take a few setbacks) is an illusion. Suffering occurs when our dreams for the future are crushed, but these dreams were never real and never guaranteed anyway so mourning their loss and suffering over it is really really...silly."

"When you get cancer with a bad prognosis, or any disease or life altering tragedy strikes, the real suffering is in mourning the loss of what you believed your life would be. For me, that was the job and course I was taking, the house I wanted to buy, the kids I wanted to have, the travel ling, the gray hair, the grand kids. Typical stuff. But I could see it all so clearly, and even though I knew there would be bumps in the road and life would challenge me and offer up unexpected paths, I just knew that everything would be ok. I've had some terrible things happen in my life and I knew that bad things did happen to good people. But because I so clearly understood that my job was to mother and I could visualize my life through the decades as if they already existed, I was pretty much convinced that I would live a long life, more or less how I thought it would be."

"All I will say is that something spoke to me that day. I don't know who and I don't care who, but it was nice of them. I don't believe I was suppose to "learn a lesson", I believe I was being comforted and reminded that life is now so I better not waste it wallowing in the "if onlys" and "why me's". Sure, I'm human and I do go there now and again, I especially did in the beginning of this disease, but when I go there, I have that phrase to remember, to shake me out of the self-pity. Hopes and dreams are just an illusion. I don't want to DO, I want to BE. That is living in the present. Being ok with being instead of doing doing doing. All we have is the present."

Steven Pinker

I have this book sitting on my shelf that I bought over a year ago that I have yet to read. The Blank Slate by Steven Pinker. In the book Intelligent Thought he writes an essay called:

Evolution and Ethics

Pinker states that the point of his essay is that "Its true science cannot provide us with moral principles. But neither can religion."

He talks about why it seems that there is association with religion and morality. If anyone would look at history they would see that the opposite seems to happen. The bible talks of many atrocities of humans killing others in the name of God.

Pinker states "that religion has given the world stonings, witch burnings, crusades, inquisitions, holy wars. jihads, fatwas, suicide bombers, gay bashers, abortion-clinic gunmen, child molesters, and mothers who drown their sons so they can happily be reunited in heaven."

Pinker poses the question "If morality doesn't come from religion, where does it come from?"

This is an important question to me, since I have been asked some ridiculous questions from an old boss of mine. I was never shy to say that I was an agnostic or atheist, if the subject came up. It did come up a lot after I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My boss didn't say this but someone commented on how I could ever get through such a thing without God or believing in God. I guess I was put to the ultimate atheist test at that point - would I revert to praying once cancer came into my life? no.

When I was told I had cancer I was scared to death. I had to face my mortality head on at a relatively young age. I never even once thought of praying to God. I knew that in my mind it was all just a matter of whether the chemo would work, my immune system could kick in or that the cancer was not that virulent and I would survive. I put my faith in my knowledge about what decisions to make and the physicians that I picked to help me with my cancer battle.

Back to my old boss - I think he actually was a bit fascinated with me being an atheist so he would ask me some odd questions that I never encountered before. One was: How come (since you don't believe in God) that you don't go out and stab people in the back. I think he meant it figuratively, not literally. So, what was he saying here? He was wondering how I could have morals if I didn't believe in an afterlife and God. My answer was this -- I don't stab people in the back or do horrible things to others because I value human life. Thats it.

So does that mean the only reason that HE isn't doing bad things to others is because he believes he will be punished in the afterlife? Hmmm..I think that maybe I'm the better person here because I'm trying to be a moral person for the sake of it. Not because I believe I'm going to get a reward or punishment after I die.

So what does Pinker have to say on this issue?

"The theory of natural selection has no trouble explaining the evolution of moral sense. The love of one's children and other blood relatives is a direct consequence of the way evolution works. a gene that impelled an organism to help a close relative would indirectly be helping a copy of that gene sitting inside the relative, and such a gene would then spread through the population"

"So not only is Darwinism compatible with our having moral sense, it can explain why we evolved to have one."

It seems clear to me that this moral sense that we do have is part of us because we want our species to survive and carry on. It is a positive attribute. Remember learning in biology class -- Survival of the Fittest? As homo sapiens we are at the top of the latter as far as other species on this earth. We got here by generations upon generations upon generations etc... of using what best works to keep us alive and reproducing.

Paid to blog posts for January 2007

Click on title to read post.

Fines for weight loss pill marketers that claim to reduce the risk of cancer

Tamoxifen reduces the risk of developing cancer for years following treatment

Monoclonal antibody decreases lung metastasis in breast cancer

Abraxane and Xeloda combination for metastatic breast cancer

The cost of fighting cancer: there is help available

Baltimore region's blood supply hits an all time low

Clinical trial enrolling HER2-positive Stage IV breast cancer patients

CML patients who have stopped responding to Gleevec have options

Radioactive seed implants highly effective in prostate cancer patients

Johns Hopkins receives research grant for childhood cancer

Erbitux and metastatic colorectal cancer

Cancer Blog's coverage of the 2006 San Antonio Breast Cancer Symposium

Men Bleed Too: One man's struggle to help his wife fight breast cancer

Why do patients respond differently to standard doses of medication?

Tomato and Broccoli combination effective against prostate cancer

Lance Armstrong's new race

Glioblastoma brain cancer treatment shows promise

Calcium may reduce colon cancer risk, but is it safe?

Increased risk of bladder cancer associated with chlorinated water

7th Annual Conference for Young Women Affected by Breast Cancer

A different perspective on the big news of cancer death decline

Important staging procedure necessary for survival of ovarian cancer

Cancer survivor that smoked

Are schools doing enough to keep our children safe from UV rays?

Gal to Gal Foundation: Support for Stage IV gals

Hereditary retinoblastoma and soft tissue sarcomas

Superior drug helps cancer patients fight fungal infections

Algae found on seaweed might protect against skin cancer

Share your Heart Fundraiser for Valentine's day

Tool to detect depression in cancer patients

The Cancer Blog

I started writing today (and getting paid) for The Cancer Blog!  Can you tell i'm excited?!!

I think this is really something that is right for me!

click here to read my first post!

I'm adding to the sidebar the cancer blog entries I will be making. Check there for current posts!

Losing One’s Right to Complain

By Cary Vera-Garcia

As Americans, we have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I would like to add that, despite being diagnosed with advanced ovarian cancer, I also have my sacred right to complain.

A Cancer survivor is expected to always be positive, cheerful and optimistic. If you verbalize any physical complaint whatsoever or fail to have a sunny outlook, you are usually scolded severely by family and friends. Apparently, once you have cancer, you must be so ecstatic about simply being alive that you no longer have the right to say anything negative.

Once you have cancer, bad days must become a thing of the past. Receive a cancer diagnosis and you may never scowl again. If you have hair that is thinning because of chemo, you are told that your hair is beautiful as it is. If you are plumped up with steroids, you are told that you look great with those nice, pink cheeks. You are constantly reminded that you look good, so it must mean that cancer is gone.

You are told that if you remain positive, you will be cured. It doesn’t matter what the doctors tell you. If you have faith, you will be cured. The people that tell you how you should act and feel are the same people that complain about headaches, toothaches, body aches and bad hair days. They have the right to complain because they don’t have a life-threatening illness. They have the luxury of worrying about the little things. I have news for non-cancer survivors—there are a lot of positive cancer patients residing six feet under.

Despite having cancer, I have not suddenly become superhuman. Many of the treatments for cancer feel worse than the disease. I have the right to say that the treatments are difficult to handle. Cancer treatments are expensive and it is normal for me to complain about my finances. I am entitled to feel upset just like anyone else. I am not obligated to act more positive or happier than I actually feel just because I have cancer.

My complaints do not mean that I have given up. They do not mean I will not continue taking treatments. Complaining allows me to vent and work through my feelings. If my family and friends feel uncomfortable being around a person who is honest about her feelings, then I suggest they don’t hang around a cancer survivor. Cancer is difficult enough and I don’t have the time or inclination to put on an act.

Cancer is a lonely disease. If someone wants to help a cancer survivor, they should just listen. While many people are quick to tell me everything will be fine, few people are willing to let me talk about death, fear about treatment and how cancer has changed my life.

If you have rolled your eyes as you listened to your friends admonish you on your less-than-stellar cancer survivor behavior, tell them to be real friends. Tell them to be quiet and listen. Tell them to withhold their judgment on how you should act until they have been diagnosed with a life-threatening disease. Or hand them this essay and walk away. My life is no less precious or lived less well just because I complain.

Circus of Cancer

This is a great website i heard about from a fellow YSC'er.

www.circusofcancer.org

I really like this website because it chronicles in pictures the whole breast cancer experience pretty well (in a very personal way, pictures taken by a woman with stage III cancer by her and her family.Kelly was diagnosed at 36). I went through most if not all of what is shown and i like how she documented her experience.

take a look....

also..if you have 'realplayer' you can watch a video of Kelly on the today show.

41 things not to say to a cancer patient..

and the comments they had wished they said.

I belong to the Young Survival Coalition. We have a message board on line that we use to discuss treatment, get understanding, talk about all the challenges we face, vent, and also  laugh and make new friends. One of the girls started a discussion about stupid comments. What they had to say in return is even more funny. (or what they thought in their heads for the most part)

so, this is for someone that might get these comments thrown at them when going through cancer treatment. don't we always seem to think of stuff to say after the fact. right? so now you'll be prepared. (well, that is if you can remember the comeback with chemo brain and all)..

and its also to help others so they don't stick their foot in their mouths when talking to someone who has cancer. we know you don't know what to say...its all in good fun.

"the past is in the past and the future is unknown. you can only live in the present and that's why its a gift"

"you could step off the curb tomorrow and get hit by a bus" (not a good analogy, its like i'm standing blindfolded in the middle of the fucking freeway with 100 of them coming at me) or (its like i already got hit by the bus and now its backing up over me)

"you gotta think positively"  (ok, i'm positive i had cancer, and i'm positive that it wasn't fun)

"my (fill in blank here) had (fill in type here) cancer and that was (fill in number) years ago. you'll be fine"

"your lucky you didn't lose weight on chemo. (fuck you!)

"so, your fine now right?"

"don't worry"

"so things are back to normal now right?"

"my grandmom died of that" (oh really, well fuck you!) or (gee, is it hereditary?)

"they burned my so and so's heart and lungs when he had radiation"

"nice fro"

"God gives you what you can handle"

"what's your prognosis?"

"can i see what's going on under that hat"

"if anyone can beat it, its you" (no shit!)

"at least you got a good kind of cancer"

"if its not your time, its not your time" (then why bother with surgery and treatment? duh!)

"life is not fair" (thanks for the heads up, asshole)

"every cloud has a silver lining"

"its just a bump in the road" (living with a cancer diagnoses, losing your hair, getting poison injected in your veins, having breast surgery, getting radiation, having old lady bones, being cautious for lymphodema, gaining weight, not sleeping well, having hot flashes, being depressed and anxious..is not just a bump - its a major fucking mountain)

"remember lance"

"you gotta be like lance"

"lance beat cancer"

"just look at lance" 

"wow, that went by fast, didn't it"? (um, yeah, two surgeries, chemo, radiation; 6 months have never flown by sooo quickly for me)

"i had a friend with cancer but i think her chemo was more intense than yours"  (maybe i just didn't whine as much)

"just think, your done"!  (done? I'm done?..i guess i'm done with cancer everyone. nothing left to do. How about hormonal therapy, all the side effects, more boob surgery and worrying for the rest of my life about recurrence..fucking done my ass!)

"you look good bald" (WTF?)

"so was it (the cancer) bad?" (oh no, i had the good kind)

"did they catch it early?"

"wow, your head is really big"

"well, is it working"..(how am i supposed to know, its going to be a fucking wait and see for the rest of my life, thank you very much)

"this is a treatable disease"

"you will be able to recover from this"

"you have a nice shaped head" (thanks)

"how do you know if its working" ( i die, if it didn't work)

"you know you can eat more curry, its supposed to kill cancer cells" (great tip)

"you'll be fine, you have a great attitude" (if attitude really matters then why did i get cancer in the first place? or does attitude only matter after you get cancer? right now my attitude about cancer is lousy. what does that mean?)

"if you really want to live, you will. just never give up. when people give up, they die" (if i were hit and killed by that bus would they think i died because i gave up?)

"i'll be thinking about you getting chemo while i'm laying on the beach", "have fun while i'm gone" ( i don't know what she was smoking, but i want some of that)

"well, just remember, its only temporary" or "don't worry, it will grow back" (doesn't help asshole)

Leonard Rieco

My uncle would have turned 58 tomorrow.

Sadly my Uncle Lenny died of a brain tumor at the age of 39. December 26, 1987.   My Aunt Cassie lost her husband and my cousins Patti, Leigh and Lenny lost their dad.  My Grandparents lost their son and my Mom and my Aunt Donna lost their brother. Me and my cousin Donna lost our uncle. Of course many more friends and family felt the loss.

What is special about our family was that we all lived on the same block in South Philly. I guess i didn't realize how good i had it then being so close to my cousins and grandparents and aunts and uncles. It was just how things were. I didn't know any different.

To my family:

If you have any special, funny or great memories you would like to share please tell us the story in the comment section. (lil donna, sorry i lost your post about things you wanted me to write-happy bday to you!)

Aunt Cassie ..just to let you know my mom gave me some pictures with you in them from the 80's and i thought you might kill me if i put them on here!!. you look good though with the perm!

I wanted to share some pictures of my uncle. This is a marathon he ran in 1983 and him getting his Master's degree.