41 things not to say to a cancer patient..

and the comments they had wished they said.

I belong to the Young Survival Coalition. We have a message board on line that we use to discuss treatment, get understanding, talk about all the challenges we face, vent, and also  laugh and make new friends. One of the girls started a discussion about stupid comments. What they had to say in return is even more funny. (or what they thought in their heads for the most part)

so, this is for someone that might get these comments thrown at them when going through cancer treatment. don't we always seem to think of stuff to say after the fact. right? so now you'll be prepared. (well, that is if you can remember the comeback with chemo brain and all)..

and its also to help others so they don't stick their foot in their mouths when talking to someone who has cancer. we know you don't know what to say...its all in good fun.

"the past is in the past and the future is unknown. you can only live in the present and that's why its a gift"

"you could step off the curb tomorrow and get hit by a bus" (not a good analogy, its like i'm standing blindfolded in the middle of the fucking freeway with 100 of them coming at me) or (its like i already got hit by the bus and now its backing up over me)

"you gotta think positively"  (ok, i'm positive i had cancer, and i'm positive that it wasn't fun)

"my (fill in blank here) had (fill in type here) cancer and that was (fill in number) years ago. you'll be fine"

"your lucky you didn't lose weight on chemo. (fuck you!)

"so, your fine now right?"

"don't worry"

"so things are back to normal now right?"

"my grandmom died of that" (oh really, well fuck you!) or (gee, is it hereditary?)

"they burned my so and so's heart and lungs when he had radiation"

"nice fro"

"God gives you what you can handle"

"what's your prognosis?"

"can i see what's going on under that hat"

"if anyone can beat it, its you" (no shit!)

"at least you got a good kind of cancer"

"if its not your time, its not your time" (then why bother with surgery and treatment? duh!)

"life is not fair" (thanks for the heads up, asshole)

"every cloud has a silver lining"

"its just a bump in the road" (living with a cancer diagnoses, losing your hair, getting poison injected in your veins, having breast surgery, getting radiation, having old lady bones, being cautious for lymphodema, gaining weight, not sleeping well, having hot flashes, being depressed and anxious..is not just a bump - its a major fucking mountain)

"remember lance"

"you gotta be like lance"

"lance beat cancer"

"just look at lance" 

"wow, that went by fast, didn't it"? (um, yeah, two surgeries, chemo, radiation; 6 months have never flown by sooo quickly for me)

"i had a friend with cancer but i think her chemo was more intense than yours"  (maybe i just didn't whine as much)

"just think, your done"!  (done? I'm done?..i guess i'm done with cancer everyone. nothing left to do. How about hormonal therapy, all the side effects, more boob surgery and worrying for the rest of my life about recurrence..fucking done my ass!)

"you look good bald" (WTF?)

"so was it (the cancer) bad?" (oh no, i had the good kind)

"did they catch it early?"

"wow, your head is really big"

"well, is it working"..(how am i supposed to know, its going to be a fucking wait and see for the rest of my life, thank you very much)

"this is a treatable disease"

"you will be able to recover from this"

"you have a nice shaped head" (thanks)

"how do you know if its working" ( i die, if it didn't work)

"you know you can eat more curry, its supposed to kill cancer cells" (great tip)

"you'll be fine, you have a great attitude" (if attitude really matters then why did i get cancer in the first place? or does attitude only matter after you get cancer? right now my attitude about cancer is lousy. what does that mean?)

"if you really want to live, you will. just never give up. when people give up, they die" (if i were hit and killed by that bus would they think i died because i gave up?)

"i'll be thinking about you getting chemo while i'm laying on the beach", "have fun while i'm gone" ( i don't know what she was smoking, but i want some of that)

"well, just remember, its only temporary" or "don't worry, it will grow back" (doesn't help asshole)

Comments

[Patti]

Hi Kristi:

Everytime I read them I laugh outloud.
I just read "YOUR HEAD IS REALLY BIG"
I can't even imagine ever saying that to
someone let alone a cancer survivor.
I love my grandmom died of that "Oh really"
FU** YOU

Love Mom

[Carrie]

This is so true!!! I hear those comments daily.... Thanks for posting I will call you tomorrow.XOXO

[Kristina]

This is great - I had missed that thread on YSC and now I'm laughing! I have to put a link on my blog to this...thanks for sharing. :-)

[*susan*]

I have followed your blog ever since Kristina directed me here a month ago. Haven't posted before since I am one of those 'old' breast cancer patients [when did 46 get old?]

My personal favorite reaction was from Dave, a colleague and [now former] friend, who after the initial "OH NO!" went on to say "So to be pragmatic here, who are you giving your clients to?"

Thank you for sharing! I need these smiles wherever I can get them these days.

[april r]

Kristi,
Thats why I love you so much, you and I are alike in so many ways. Were a tell it like it is! Those comments are exactly what I think. amen sistah
april

[nancy]

I love these :-) I got a lot of "if you had to have cancer, breast cancer is a good one to have" so I'd tell them "I was really hoping for prostate cancer but it wasn't available." Miss you.

[Tricia Reynolds]

:( Thankyou really. It makes me so sad when people want to tell me of those they know that have died from cancer. Saying it ate them up real bad was one idiot. Or people like my mother in-law who thinks sending me an uplifting story of how someone was special before they died of cancer would uplift me. Gosh and I thought it was the cancer that was making me sick. The doctors said I would die in 8months it has been 6 years of living with this cancer since that day and now everyone thinks I should be celebrating when I have tumors bulging in numerous places out of my body.
Thanks for your list of stupid things people say. Who needs them I would rather talk to my dog.

[Polly Williams]

Hello. I read with great interest these comments from well-meaning but tact-challenged individuals when they approach a cancer patient/survivor....
Here's one for ya...don't you just love it when someone comes up to you...an acquaintance..who is aware of your situation...and each time they see you all they want to talk about is CANCER, CANCER, CANCER!!!!
Will never forget this question...
"Now, when your cancer came back, did it come back in the original site or did it come back elsewhere in your body?"
How long will you be on treatments?
Where are you having your treatments?
How often are you having treatments?
Gee it must be hard on you having a recurrence. Most people don't have a recurrence...
(Guess I'm the LUCKY exception!)
Do they give you your chemo intravenously or do you have a port?
and on and on and on.....

[Shilo]

Ummm ....when I saw the title of your website I clicked on it hoping to find some humors comments I could make to my sister-in-law who is in her final stages of melanoma, perhaps something that might give her a well needed chuckle...I was dissapointed to find such a beautiful young woman who seems to be so very angry..I wish you well ( or does that warrant a F-U reply?)

[blog author, kristi]

This message is for Shilo who wrote the above comment. If she decides to come back and read this I would like to know why she thinks I'm so angry?
Is it this post or something else on the website?

The 41 things not to say to a cancer patient are a compilation of what different women have heard that have breast cancer. We know people mean well, but unless you are in our situation you don't and can't understand. We think some things that are said are insensitive, some funny and some outright ridiculous. So we discuss.

I don't know how this post comes across as angry at all..most people think its funny.

I'm sorry about your sister-in-law.

Maybe your upset because your one of those people that say those stupid things to cancer patients..i don't know.