Faced my mortality, Still an Atheist

Being diagnosed with cancer at thirty-one years old was a crazy experience. I call it crazy because so many things happen to you. Along with the physical: surgery, chemo, radiation, hairloss. There are so many mental challenges to overcome. In my case, I handled the physical much better than the mental.

I understand the five stages of grief now. (denial, anger, bargaining, depression,& acceptance). I guess I just thought this was something written in a book that really didn't apply to real life. How can everyone go through the same stages? Everyone is different right?

Also, no one died for me to be grieving so why would those steps apply to me? But someone did die the day I was told I had cancer. That person was the 'old me'. I am now a 'new or different me'.

I was grieving. I just didn't know it at the time.

Denial: I think this stage didn't last very long. I was only in a bit of denial the night before I got the news. This can't be happening. nah. I'm only 31! But I am a realistic person so I had a hard time denying with the evidence, even though no actual proof was given to me yet.

Anger: Anger too was there but not so strong that I was asking Why Me? I know that cancer can happen to anyone at any age. I was more like "I just want to be a normal girl"!! This fucking sucks balls!!

Bargaining: There was not much bargaining, so I guess I can say I almost skipped this step. I felt completely alone. Who was I to bargain with? I didn't all of a sudden start to pray and believe in a higher power. I might have said to myself. Ok, self, if you get through this you will stop smoking, drinking and treat your body better. So, maybe I did bargain with myself a bit.

Depression: Well, I didn't have a problem with this stage. It lasted a long time. I was 'crawl up in the bed and lay in a fetal position' depressed for a good while. I woke up every morning with a pit in my stomach and I really did wonder If I would ever be happy again. The fear of recurrence of the cancer had such a hold on me.

Acceptance: This is a nice place to be. I finally got there, never knowing I could or would. I have accepted the fact that the cancer can return but I don't wake up with a pit in my stomach anymore. I know that I will die someday, maybe sooner than later. I will enjoy my life and not spend it worrying. I don't know how I got to this place in my mind. Its wonderful.

Everyone has heard the saying "There are no atheists in foxholes".

yes, indeed there are.

Comments

[HumanistDad]

Beautiful. Thanks for sharing!